Confessions of a ten-year-old


The Hat

One day when I was nine years old I was walking to school with my bag and my lunchbox. I looked inside the lunchbox and didn’t like what my mum had made me so I threw it in the bin. For some reason I replaced the contents with the wooly hat I was wearing. Any way, I got to school and when lunchtime came I opened up my lunchbox in front of everybody revealing the hat. Everybody laughed, and when the teacher questioned me about it I shrugged and said I didn’t know. I still remember the look of pity on her face, as if I was was some Oliver Twist character with no one to feed me. So she lent me £1 to buy school dinners, saying I could ask my parents for the money and pay her back. This caused me undue stress: I didn’t know where I was going to get £1 from and I didn’t want to admit it. So over the course of the next week I scraped together the money in odd change I found lying about the house and on the street. I gave the pile of dirty change to the teacher and she gave me that same look of pity again, as if my parents paid for things in 1ps and 2ps. Moral of the story: don’t throw your lunch in the bin and replace it with a hat.

The Owls

When I was nine years old someone in my primary school class went into another classroom and ruined all these clay owls that were laid out to set. Somehow I got implicated and was taken into a room with a few others for questioning. School finished at like 3pm (I think) and I was kept after until 4pm. They wouldn’t let me phone my mum to tell her I was OK so I ended up admitting that I wrecked the owls even though it wasn’t me. I just knew my mum would be worried about me, so I said I did it so I could go home. False confession! For a whole week I had to stand in the corner of the hall during breaktime and lunchtime. I don’t know what the moral of this story is. But I’m an innocent man. THE TRUTH IS OUT.

The Tracksuit Bottoms

Back when I was ten my class all went to an outdoor activity centre in the Mourne Mountains called Ardnabannon. We did all sorts of shit like abseiling etc. I remember we went bouldering in some river and I got absolutely drenched, proper soaked to the skin. I was dying to go to the toilet so I just pissed myself in the river as I was wet anyway. When we got back to the centre we all hung our stuff up to dry in the heated basement downstairs. The next day when I went to get my tracksuit bottoms they were dry but smelled of piss so I swapped them with identical ones belonging to someone else. No regrets.


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